The Tenets of the Church of ‘T’

I know I’ve been posting a lot the last few days, but a lot has come up. I found these little comments, thought some of you would like them:

Mr T wrote the Pentateuch. “Shut up fool before I redact you, sucka! There ain’t no J, Y, E or P. There’s only a T source!”

Mr T was at the centre of the 1843 Disruption. “Some fools were talkin’ jibba-jabba so I disrupted them.”

Mr T has been elected Moderator Designate of the Free Church every year since 1984. T, however, refuses to take time out of his duties pitying fools, so various Free Church ministers have deputised as Moderator.

Mr T favours presuppositional apologetics. “My presupposition is you a fool, and I don’t apologise for that, fool!”

Mr T refused ordination in the Free Church because he was unwilling to have his ‘Mr’ title replaced by ‘Rev’.

Mr T refuses to endorse the Free Church Youth Camps programme because they don’t have a strong enough emphasis on teaching kids the value of drinking milk. “Fool, if you don’t drink milk you’ll never grow strong. Even Hebrews says so!”

The Free Church College building, situated on the Mound in Edinburgh, was carved out of the rock by Mr T’s Mohawk.

Mr T destroyed the language of Biblical Hebrew because its alphabet contains two T letters: tau and teth. “There’s only one T in my alphabet, sucka!”

Mr T rarely worships in the Free Church because he doesn’t acknowledge the validity of the NIV Bible. “I only use the NIT Bible, fool!”

Mr T’s modified ‘Shorter T-Catechism’ begins with the question, “What is the chief end of van?” in reference to the A Team’s black GMC van.

Mr T is a Calvinist, rather than an Arminian, “because the five points of Calvinism begin with T, which is the basis of all good theology, sucka.”

Mr T thinks John the Baptist was a “crazy fool”. “Crazy fool, he only ate locusts and wild honey. Why didn’t he drink his milk?”

Mr T believes formal church membership is important. “You gotta be somebody or somebody’s fool, fool.”

Mr T can be seen flexing his biceps near the centre of Hill’s famous Disruption painting, sandwiched between Thomas Chalmers and Hugh Miller. “Thomas and Hugh are my brothers, sucka!”

In 1529, when Philip of Hesse summoned the various Reformation leaders to Marburg to discuss the Eucharist, Luther famously carved ‘this is my body’ into the table, after which Mr T carved, ‘yeah, fool’.

Mr T’s ordination to the eldership disastrously ended up with the most violent beating of Presbyters in Free Church history. “I ain’t lettin’ no sucka lay a hand on me.”

Mr T has the entire ESV Bible, Westminster Confession of Faith and the Three Forms of Unity tattooed in large font on the underside of his right forearm.

After reading the complete works of Greg Bahnsen, Mr T obliterated theonomy and replaced it with T-onomy.

When the 16th century heretic Servetus was burned at the stake in Switzerland, Mr T was present: his folded arms and intense pity actually caused Servetus to ignite.

The real reason 16th century Geneva didn’t return to Roman Catholicism wasn’t because of Calvin’s influence. It was because Mr T told the Pope, “you got two choices; ‘leave Geneva alone’, or ‘hurt’, sucka.”

After cruising through his first year Church History exam, Mr T punched his way back through time to punish Marcion for his heresy by removing him from ever having existed.

Mr T wrote the Epistle to the Hebrews. Have you ever heard of a New Testament scholar who openly denied this? No. That’s because Mr T has denied all doubters their right to exist.

While Peter once walked on water, Mr T has oft walked on fools.

The phrase ‘intertestamental period’ is now universally understood to refer to the period between Mr T’s career as a movie actor and then as a TV actor. “I claimed that phrase as my own, sucka.”

Mr T’s response to transubstantiationists is, “ain’t no literal change, fool!” His response to those with a purely symbolic view of the sacrament is, “Zwingli was a fool on crack, it ain’t no mere symbol, sucka.”

Mr T’s FC College dissertation was written in the Practical Theology department. “Its title was, ‘The Theological Ramifications of Bustin’ a Fool’s Head’, fool.” The external examiner gave Mr T a B. He no longer exists.

Mr T offers the following thought on the Emergent Church movement. “What’s emerging is, a lotta fools are talkin’ a lotta jibba-jabba. I pity myself that I gotta even talk about the Emergent Church. Fool.”

Mr T recently told a Sunday School class that his favourite book of the Bible is Proverbs. “It has the most to say about fools, fools,” he told the kids.

Mr T even pities fools on the Sabbath. “It’s a work of necessity, though it ain’t no work of mercy.”

In response to the Word of Knowledge movement, Mr T says, “Yeah I got a word of knowledge: shut up fool”.

At a mass rally in Miami last year, Mr T walked up to Benny Hinn, punched him in the face and said, “I wanna see you heal yourself! Fool.”

Before Mr T appeared on TBN, it was only called BN.


2 comments on “The Tenets of the Church of ‘T’

  1. Beth'sMomToo says:

    He COULD use the NET Bible.

    (Tim, I think YOU are the only one who could find THIS much humor in Mr.T! OK, and maybe Doug…)

  2. Beth says:

    I think you should teach your kids some lessons using Mr. T’s tennets, and kiss your job promotion goodbye.

    I also think the poor seminary student who came up with these needs a vacation.

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